Keeper of Whys

              Why? That is a very good question. And I’m not talking about the high pitched whiny “Why?” my kids ask when I tell them they cannot do something like wear the same clothes two days in a row or have candy for breakfast. I’m talking about the “Why” that makes a person really wonder, really piques a curiosity that can ultimately lead to a new discovery or personal transformation. For instance, “Why did the apple fall from the tree?” “Why are my neighbor’s newspapers piling up on his driveway?” “Why is the candy bowl empty after I filled it two days ago?” Even in the office where I go to therapy there’s a picture hanging on the wall that reads, “If you want a life change, start with WHY.” It’s a question that often leads to other questions, but the picture is correct, it is always a good place to start.

              As a chaplain, I hear “Why” asked a lot. Sometimes the whys are easy and I can help find the answer, “Why hasn’t my lunch arrived?” or “Why does this machine keep beeping?” I love knowing that if I don’t have the answer I can find someone who does. Danya Walls, hero chaplain! But more often than not the whys are much more complicated, more severe, more desperate. “Why would God do this to me?” “Why can’t the doctors do anything?” “Why did my baby have to die?” “Again!” They are the whys asked but unable to be answered, at least from me anyway.

              I was faced with some of those whys the other day when I was with a patient who was in her mid-twenties and who was very sick. In fact, she had been sick for a year. It all started with some gastrointestinal issues that seemed simple enough, but one thing led to another and a year later she was lying in front of me with a medical condition unknown to the doctors and slowly dying. Her body was rejecting any and all forms of food. She was literally starving to death and her physicians had no idea what was causing it.  She had been poked, prodded, and operated on multiple times, then sent home only to return, given hope only to be disappointed over and over. It had been a nightmare of a year and now she was back in the hospital hoping that a new set of eyes could come up with some new answers. 

              At first, she seemed in good spirits, smiling as she talked about the past year, but for one brief moment she allowed herself to be known as her frustrations overwhelmed her and she started to cry. As soon as the tears began, they ended. A nurse came in and her attention was diverted elsewhere, but I had seen enough to understand that she was really very angry and really very afraid, even though her outward appearance would try and convince someone otherwise.

              When the nurse left the room, I continued my visit with the patient, and now her mother; both women trying to be strong for the other. I asked if I could pray with them before leaving, and after receiving a, “Yes. Please.” I moved closer to the patient’s bed and began to pray.

              “Dear God, You are the Keeper of Whys….”

              I continued praying, acknowledging the many unspoken whys the patient had. Why her? Why now? Why can’t they find out what’s wrong? Why so long? All very good questions, and each one without an answer.

              After praying, I finished the visit, finished my shift, and then went home, but the prayer stayed with me for days. I have prayed thousands of prayers but never with a patient or even in my private devotion had I ever called God the Keeper of Whys. Why had I said it, but more importantly, what did it mean? Keeper of whys?

              For sure, this question WHY has been asked over and over by my patients, but it’s not a question limited to those suffering in a hospital bed. I think everyone has whys they struggle with because they’ve asked again and again but none are answered. Sometimes it also seems to saturate my own prayer life. “Why are you silent on this matter?” “Why haven’t you healed my husband yet?” “Why aren’t you doing something?” Even Jesus on the cross screamed this sentiment, wanting to know “Why” He had been forsaken by His Father (Matt. 27.46). It seems if a person wants to know why then they are in very good company.  

              So how do I reconcile this desire to know the whys and worshiping a God who keeps them? The whys I ask are always filled with frustration and hurt because I feel ignored. And to be honest, when I thought about God keeping they whys, I was a little angry. It felt cruel that He would have whys and still leave me in the lurch. But the more I thought about it the more I began to wonder if I had made a mistake in my understanding. What if God, being the Keeper of Whys, was not keeping the whys from His children, but instead, keeping the whys for His children.  What if instead of being cruel and selfish, He was kind and caring knowing the whys I ask come from a sacred place deep within and what is important to me is important to Him? What if He keeps the whys, not like I keep (or try to) candy away from my children, but like a mother who keeps items that belonged to a child of hers that died? What if my whys were precious to Him, and that when I suffer He also suffers?

              Grasping this aspect of God has really drawn me closer to Him; helped me love Him all the more. Has anything changed in regard to what I’ve been praying for? Not really.  I am still asking, “Why” and He is still silent, my husband is still in pain every day, and it still doesn’t seem like God is doing anything, but now, when I ask, “Why” it is always followed with a, “Thank You.” “Thank You for knowing me and the struggles I go through.” “Thank You for being concerned with my heartache.” “Thank You for being patient and understanding with my doubt.” But most of all, “Thank You for always keeping my whys.”