Keeper of Whys

              Why? That is a very good question. And I’m not talking about the high pitched whiny “Why?” my kids ask when I tell them they cannot do something like wear the same clothes two days in a row or have candy for breakfast. I’m talking about the “Why” that makes a person really wonder, really piques a curiosity that can ultimately lead to a new discovery or personal transformation. For instance, “Why did the apple fall from the tree?” “Why are my neighbor’s newspapers piling up on his driveway?” “Why is the candy bowl empty after I filled it two days ago?” Even in the office where I go to therapy there’s a picture hanging on the wall that reads, “If you want a life change, start with WHY.” It’s a question that often leads to other questions, but the picture is correct, it is always a good place to start.

              As a chaplain, I hear “Why” asked a lot. Sometimes the whys are easy and I can help find the answer, “Why hasn’t my lunch arrived?” or “Why does this machine keep beeping?” I love knowing that if I don’t have the answer I can find someone who does. Danya Walls, hero chaplain! But more often than not the whys are much more complicated, more severe, more desperate. “Why would God do this to me?” “Why can’t the doctors do anything?” “Why did my baby have to die?” “Again!” They are the whys asked but unable to be answered, at least from me anyway.

              I was faced with some of those whys the other day when I was with a patient who was in her mid-twenties and who was very sick. In fact, she had been sick for a year. It all started with some gastrointestinal issues that seemed simple enough, but one thing led to another and a year later she was lying in front of me with a medical condition unknown to the doctors and slowly dying. Her body was rejecting any and all forms of food. She was literally starving to death and her physicians had no idea what was causing it.  She had been poked, prodded, and operated on multiple times, then sent home only to return, given hope only to be disappointed over and over. It had been a nightmare of a year and now she was back in the hospital hoping that a new set of eyes could come up with some new answers. 

              At first, she seemed in good spirits, smiling as she talked about the past year, but for one brief moment she allowed herself to be known as her frustrations overwhelmed her and she started to cry. As soon as the tears began, they ended. A nurse came in and her attention was diverted elsewhere, but I had seen enough to understand that she was really very angry and really very afraid, even though her outward appearance would try and convince someone otherwise.

              When the nurse left the room, I continued my visit with the patient, and now her mother; both women trying to be strong for the other. I asked if I could pray with them before leaving, and after receiving a, “Yes. Please.” I moved closer to the patient’s bed and began to pray.

              “Dear God, You are the Keeper of Whys….”

              I continued praying, acknowledging the many unspoken whys the patient had. Why her? Why now? Why can’t they find out what’s wrong? Why so long? All very good questions, and each one without an answer.

              After praying, I finished the visit, finished my shift, and then went home, but the prayer stayed with me for days. I have prayed thousands of prayers but never with a patient or even in my private devotion had I ever called God the Keeper of Whys. Why had I said it, but more importantly, what did it mean? Keeper of whys?

              For sure, this question WHY has been asked over and over by my patients, but it’s not a question limited to those suffering in a hospital bed. I think everyone has whys they struggle with because they’ve asked again and again but none are answered. Sometimes it also seems to saturate my own prayer life. “Why are you silent on this matter?” “Why haven’t you healed my husband yet?” “Why aren’t you doing something?” Even Jesus on the cross screamed this sentiment, wanting to know “Why” He had been forsaken by His Father (Matt. 27.46). It seems if a person wants to know why then they are in very good company.  

              So how do I reconcile this desire to know the whys and worshiping a God who keeps them? The whys I ask are always filled with frustration and hurt because I feel ignored. And to be honest, when I thought about God keeping they whys, I was a little angry. It felt cruel that He would have whys and still leave me in the lurch. But the more I thought about it the more I began to wonder if I had made a mistake in my understanding. What if God, being the Keeper of Whys, was not keeping the whys from His children, but instead, keeping the whys for His children.  What if instead of being cruel and selfish, He was kind and caring knowing the whys I ask come from a sacred place deep within and what is important to me is important to Him? What if He keeps the whys, not like I keep (or try to) candy away from my children, but like a mother who keeps items that belonged to a child of hers that died? What if my whys were precious to Him, and that when I suffer He also suffers?

              Grasping this aspect of God has really drawn me closer to Him; helped me love Him all the more. Has anything changed in regard to what I’ve been praying for? Not really.  I am still asking, “Why” and He is still silent, my husband is still in pain every day, and it still doesn’t seem like God is doing anything, but now, when I ask, “Why” it is always followed with a, “Thank You.” “Thank You for knowing me and the struggles I go through.” “Thank You for being concerned with my heartache.” “Thank You for being patient and understanding with my doubt.” But most of all, “Thank You for always keeping my whys.”

Why He Did It

Have you ever been in a really desperate situation? A situation that causes such emotional turmoil that common sense and reason, although present, are barely heard over the screams your heart is making. I’ve been there. In fact, I was there today.

                I would imagine that my desperation was similar to Mary’s when she was outside the tomb of Jesus and sees a man just standing there. In her distress, she begs for the body of someone she loves so much, ignoring the common sense questions a more rational person would have asked. For instance, how is she going to carry the weight of a dead corpse and where in the world would she have taken Him? But answers weren’t important to her. Finding Jesus was.

                That was the turmoil I struggled with this morning. No, I wasn’t looking for Jesus’ body, but I was trying to stay close to someone I love. I was in St. Louis visiting my daughter. She made choice to move away several years ago to live with her dad, and because of legal issues that developed could not come home to me. So, a few times a year I make the trek to go see her.

These trips are always bittersweet for me. I have so much joy because I get to see my daughter, but with every “hello”, there is always a “goodbye”, and the goodbyes are rough. I don’t know about my daughter, but for me they are heartbreaking, and that’s exactly what my heart was doing as I had begun the process of packing my bags to return home.  

While it is always difficult to leave, this time was different. I began to panic. This panic squeezed my heart and I felt sick. I thought I was going to throw-up. What was I doing? I couldn’t leave! I couldn’t leave her!

Irrational options began flinging into my head. What if I stayed? I could find a room somewhere. I could get a room anywhere. Looks or size didn’t matter. Common sense tried to sound in, but I wouldn’t listen.

“What about a job?”

“I can find some chaplain work. If not, McDonalds. Anything! I won’t need a lot of money.”

“What about the boys? Jason?”

“They’ll be fine without me. I can come home once a month. It won’t be for long, just until the end of the school year.”

“But you have a job in Huntsville. You have friends and a good life.”

None of that mattered. The only important thing to me at that moment was finding a way to get to be with my daughter; to make sure she knew she was worth leaving everything for.

With every thought of rationality, panic again stormed in. I CAN’T GO! I began to beg, to whom I’m not sure, “Please don’t make me go! I don’t want to leave her!” Tears of desperation had soaked my face and sleeve. My soul was screaming.  HOW? Will someone tell me how I can be separated from my daughter one more day! There has got to be a way! And in that moment, that moment of emotional terror and chaos and desperateness, an understanding came to me; that’s why He did it.

I have enjoyed the story of Jesus all my life; how He came to Earth and died for our sins so we could we could be with Him in Heaven. But never had I fully appreciated the depth of why He did it until that moment. Never had I fully understood the willingness to leave the ninety-nine for the one away.

If you stop and consider what He actually gave up, you begin to see the irrationality of it all. Why would someone leave a throne to be born in a stable? Why would someone leave a Kingdom to live with the poor, needy, sick, and broken? It goes beyond all reason and doesn’t make any sense, but it was the only way.               

You see, a long time ago, we chose to separate ourselves from God, and because of some legality, we were never able to get back home on our own, so Jesus came to us. The idea of us not being with Him was too terrorizing, too heart wrenching not to be propelled into action. In His eyes, we were worth leaving everything, worth being ridiculed, worth being rejected, worth being beaten and hung on a cross. He wanted us with Him at all costs, and that’s why He did it. 

Ready, Set, Go!

For those of you who don’t know me very well, let me tell you a little secret about myself.  I’m competitive.  I mean, I really love to win, be the first, and be the best at anything I’m competing in. It doesn’t matter if it’s playing a board game with my five year old or playing soccer with my son who is ten, I will play like there is a million dollar cash prize.  And although the feeling to dominate and crush the competition has lessened as I have gotten older, it’s still there.

This drive to win was a cause of frustration for me the other day at my sons’ school. It was field day and I was in charge of a water relay game. While some of the participants were focused, others were not. And it was not difficult to tell the two apart. The ones who were focused were just that, focused. They kept their eyes ahead of them on the race, even if they weren’t the ones running.  They didn’t talk to those around them, and they didn’t even care how wet they became because they understood the object of the game was not to stay dry but to fill the bucket first.

 The group of kids who were not focused might have wanted to win but it was not their first priority. They chatted and played with those around them, holding up the whole team because they were not paying attention.  Some kids, because they didn’t want to get wet, decided to sit out completely.  It was with the unfocused group that I found myself being frustrated. The soccer coach in me wanted to burst out screaming harsh yet motivational sentiments, but I figured that the principle wouldn’t like it if one of the volunteers kept making children cry, so I just let the kids be kids.

It occurred to me while I was watching all the elementary madness that there might be some Christians out there who have forgotten they are in a race. The writer of Hebrews makes it very clear that we are to, “run with endurance the race that is set before us.” (Heb. 12:1) It would have been nice if God had wanted us to run a pleasure cruise or life of leisure but no, we are to run a race. Races are long, and can be rough and arduous; taxing to both the mind and body. In fact, some races are so difficult, people decided to quit and just sit out.  For sure, races are no pleasure cruise.

Here’s the key to running a successful race; we need to stay focused. We need to pay attention to the race God has called us to. Satan will do everything in his power to distract us from what we are supposed to be doing, and if we fall into his trap the whole team, the Kingdom of God, suffers for it. We have to push through the pain of struggling and be determined to keep our eyes on Jesus even though we know we are going to get drenched with aggravations and heartaches. 

Now, here’s the good thing; we aren’t running our race just to be out there running. There will come a day when we will be able to say what Paul said, “…I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.  Finally, there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge will give me on that Day…” (2 Tim. 4:7) Isn’t that great! We get a prize and all we have to do is cross the finish line. But until then, let’s stay focused. We’ve got a race to run!

Right to Life

                My family and I were enjoying Saturday at my aunt’s house this past weekend and we were all excited to see a birdhouse with baby bluebirds.  I loved peeking in the little hole and seeing three little blind featherless creatures pop their heads up in the hopes of coming food.  A little while later, my niece and nephew came by each holding a six week old dachshund puppy.  Talk about heart melt! 

             Seeing the birds and puppies reminded me once again how much I love life.  And it’s not just life in the form of adorable baby animals. I feel the same way when I look in my garden and see new sprouts breaking through the ground, or my tomato plants recover from being under watered, which unfortunately, is something that happens more often than I care to admit. I suppose it’s just the inner cheerleader in me; the part that sees the potential of what could be. It’s as if I have internal pompoms that I shake while screaming, “Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, LIFE!”

               My love for life in people is the same, only magnified.  People, the most intricate and special of all of God’s Earthly creations, are walking images of their Creator. Their potential and value are without measure.   That is why abortion is so heinous to me. It’s the ending of life. On purpose! Not only that, but it’s the ending of His life; life created by and belonging to the Creator.  Make no mistake about it, God takes the purposeful deaths of His creation personal and He does indeed listen to the cries of judgement from the blood spilled of innocent victims, no matter how young they are.

               There is, however, another side to the abortion issue that bothers me. It’s the harming of those who have abortions.  This really struck a nerve with me the other day when I saw images of some well-meaning individuals protesting at a local abortion clinic. The signs the protesters held, while again, well-meaning, were bothersome to me as a Christian. They were not loving, compassionate, or kind; characteristics which should be the hallmark of a Christian faith.

               This is where I believe we need to be careful as followers of Jesus Christ. Every person has a right to life; those in the womb as well as well as those carrying the womb.   The Bible makes it very clear that we have the power of life and death within the very words we speak (Proverbs 18:21). That means we have the ability to inflict lasting damage on someone by being vile or mean, and as I said earlier, God takes that very personal.  The women having abortions are as much His creations as the children those women are carrying. And because He is no respecter of persons (Acts 10:34), He loves them the same as he does any faithful believer.

              Am I saying that Christians don’t need to protest? No. People need to do what God is leading them to do, and if that means standing outside a clinic trying to prevent an abortion, then they need to be obedient.  It’s just important for us to remember that in whatever we do, we are representing Jesus to people who may have never heard of Him. And all people, no matter what they are doing, have a right to life.

Wedding Invitation

     I was thinking about my wedding last night and I remembered something that made me sad. No, it wasn't the wedding itself but something that occurred a few weeks later. A woman who was invited to the wedding but didn't come came up to me and apologized for her absence. She said she wanted to come but couldn't afford a gift and she felt uncomfortable showing up without one.
     My response to this woman was probably the same as one you would have given. I could have cared less about the gift, it was her presence I was hoping to see. In reality, I was disappointed for her. She let lies keep her from doing what she wanted to do. The lies that said, "Everyone will see that you didn't bring a gift" and "Your presence is not enough. You're not worthy without a gift."   As a result of not going she missed out on lots of fun. There was dancing, great food, and an all around joyous atmosphere. I hated she didn't get to experience any of it.
     After thinking about that for a moment, I had a terrible realization. What if there were people out there who wanted to be apart of the Great Wedding, the one we are all invited to, but keep themselves away simply because they think they have nothing worthy to bring. Wouldn't that be horrible!
     I know there are some out there who would rather do their own thing so they aren't interested in attending, but what about those who want to come but have been fed lies that keep them away. Lies that say, "Everyone will judge your past" and "Your presence is not enough. You're not worthy without a gift."
     They don't know the truth and the truth is there might be some who judge their past but the Bridegroom never would. Which leads into the second truth, He just wants the person not what they have to offer. He already knows the people He invited can't bring anything to the table. If we think we have something to give to God that justifies our wedding invitation we fool ourselves. Anything we bring He gives us. He knows we're not worthy, but He wants us anyway. Isn't He wonderful!
     I hate knowing somebody might miss out on the Wedding feast because they thought they didn't have a gift. It breaks my heart to know what they'll be missing. While I can't find it in scripture, I'm sure there will be dancing, lots of dancing. And think of the food! There will be an all around joyous atmosphere that never ends. Don't you want everyone to show up!
     So today as we spend the hours God has given us, let us keep our eyes open and sharp for anybody who might want to join the wedding party but doesn't feel worthy.  If we find them, tell them they are still invited and then...ask them to go dancing.

Stop Focusing On Your But

       There is a story in the book of Judges about a man named Jephthah. He’s not one of the well-known Judges like Samson or Gideon, but his story is none-the-less interesting. Some people might recognize him as the Judge who foolishly made a rash vow with God and ended up sacrificing his only daughter, but he wasn’t always so haphazard. In fact, when we are first introduced to Jephthah God lets us know he was a mighty man of valor. The problem was that even though God had something great to say about him, Jephthah also had a “but”. Judges 11:1 says this, “Now Jephthah the Gileadite was a might man of valor, but he was the son of a harlot…” You see, Jepthathah was brave and strong but his mother was not a married woman.             

         You know, everyone has a “but”. In other words, everyone has some sort of an excuse the enemy will use to remind them of why they can’t live up to their full potential. “You’re a nice girl, but not that pretty. No one will ever want you.” “God has given you a message, but you’re too shy to speak to people.” “You want to minister to youth, but you were sexually promiscuous so you wouldn’t be a good example.” The buts go on and on.

         Is satan using your “but” against you? If so, you need to stop focusing on it and start paying attention to what God has said about you. He said that you are worthy, called, loved, anointed, not to mention His. God knows all about your “but” and He isn’t bothered by it. In fact, He’ll use your “but” for His glory. So get out there and be the child of God you were meant to be, and for Heaven’s sakes, stop focusing on your “but.”

What Heaven will be like

                I have a friend I love to visit. Every once in a while, I’ll drop my son off at school and then go spend the day with her. We have loads of fun. Because her husband is in the military, she has moved all over the world, but we’ve always seemed to find each other again. Sometimes it would be years in-between conversations, but somehow we would find a phone number and then pick up right where we left off.

                My friend and I have been through a lot together. When we first met we were both newlyweds living in a foreign country, so you can imagine the fun we had and trouble we got into. We experienced our first pregnancies together, and all the joys that follow; the swollen bellies, the insatiable cravings (one time she and I ate an entire pumpkin pie-at one sitting), and breast feeding (there’s a funny story there, but for modesty sake I won’t tell it).  We’ve also shared some sadness. Tears will sometimes act as binding agent, solidifying the relationship.

                Now, because of where her husband is stationed, and because of God’s goodness, my friend lives closer to me than she ever has before. We laugh, talk about our husbands (laugh some more), compare the health of our aging parents, talk about our teenage daughters, watch silly youtube videos, discuss God’s portrayal in The Lord of the Rings, drink coffee, plan future camping adventures, and basically have fun. Oh, and we always eat. The last time I was with her she fed me venison and beaver.       There’s only one problem I have when I go to her house; it’s time. I don’t understand it, but it seems like I’m only at her house for a few minutes and then it’s time for me to leave. I’ll look at the clock and it will tell me that I have been with her for five hours, but I can’t believe it. How in the world can time fly so fast? It must be because even when we are being serious, or even quiet, we are still having loads of fun.

                I said all that to say, I believe Heaven’s going to be like that. I think we’ll see old friends we haven’t seen in years, and we’ll pick up just where we left off. I think we’ll laugh with joy we never thought possible. We won’t ever cry, but the eating will go on forever (I have no doubt there will be pumpkin pie in Heaven). I think we’ll be so content, so happy, that time will disappear. I think we’ll be there years and it will have felt like a whisper.  I can’t wait!

                We may have difficulties here on Earth, we may have some pain and heartache, but we also have a hope. God uses the good times, the peaceful times, the exciting times, the really really fun times, to give us a glimpse into our future. We don’t have the mental capacity to take it all in, so He shows us bits and pieces. Eternity with Him will be an afternoon spent with our best friend, with no clock on the wall. And that makes what we’re going through down here seem almost trivial, and certainly worth it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, The Lord of the Rings is coming on and I’ve got to call my friend.