Have
you ever been in a really desperate situation? A situation that causes such
emotional turmoil that common sense and reason, although present, are barely heard over the screams your heart is making. I’ve been there. In fact, I was
there today.
I would imagine that my desperation was similar to Mary’s
when she was outside the tomb of Jesus and sees a man just standing there. In
her distress, she begs for the body of someone she loves so much, ignoring the
common sense questions a more rational person would have asked. For instance,
how is she going to carry the weight of a dead corpse and where in the world
would she have taken Him? But answers weren’t important to her. Finding Jesus was.
That was the turmoil I struggled with this morning.
No, I wasn’t looking for Jesus’ body, but I was trying to stay close to someone
I love. I was in St. Louis visiting my daughter. She made choice to move away
several years ago to live with her dad, and because of legal issues that
developed could not come home to me. So, a few times a year I make the trek to
go see her.
These
trips are always bittersweet for me. I have so much joy because I get to see my
daughter, but with every “hello”, there is always a “goodbye”, and the goodbyes
are rough. I don’t know about my daughter, but for me they are heartbreaking, and
that’s exactly what my heart was doing as I had begun the process of packing my
bags to return home.
While
it is always difficult to leave, this time was different. I began to panic. This
panic squeezed my heart and I felt sick. I thought I was going to throw-up.
What was I doing? I couldn’t leave! I couldn’t leave her!
Irrational
options began flinging into my head. What if I stayed? I could find a room
somewhere. I could get a room anywhere. Looks or size didn’t matter. Common
sense tried to sound in, but I wouldn’t listen.
“What
about a job?”
“I can
find some chaplain work. If not, McDonalds. Anything! I won’t need a lot of
money.”
“What
about the boys? Jason?”
“They’ll
be fine without me. I can come home once a month. It won’t be for long, just
until the end of the school year.”
“But
you have a job in Huntsville. You have friends and a good life.”
None
of that mattered. The only important thing to me at that moment was finding a
way to get to be with my daughter; to make sure she knew she was worth leaving
everything for.
With
every thought of rationality, panic again stormed in. I CAN’T GO! I began to
beg, to whom I’m not sure, “Please don’t make me go! I don’t want to leave
her!” Tears of desperation had soaked my face and sleeve. My soul was
screaming. HOW? Will someone tell me how
I can be separated from my daughter one more day! There has got to be a way!
And in that moment, that moment of emotional terror and chaos and desperateness,
an understanding came to me; that’s why He did it.
I have
enjoyed the story of Jesus all my life; how He came to Earth and died for our
sins so we could we could be with Him in Heaven. But never had I fully
appreciated the depth of why He did it until that moment. Never had I fully
understood the willingness to leave the ninety-nine for the one away.
If you
stop and consider what He actually gave up, you begin to see the irrationality
of it all. Why would someone leave a throne to be born in a stable? Why would
someone leave a Kingdom to live with the poor, needy, sick, and broken? It goes
beyond all reason and doesn’t make any sense, but it was the only way.
You
see, a long time ago, we chose to separate ourselves from God, and because of
some legality, we were never able to get back home on our own, so Jesus came to
us. The idea of us not being with Him was too terrorizing, too heart wrenching
not to be propelled into action. In His eyes, we were worth leaving everything,
worth being ridiculed, worth being rejected, worth being beaten and hung on a
cross. He wanted us with Him at all costs, and that’s why He did it.
